November 2009
“Kids don’t understand the irony of it. They’ve got all this energy...”
– Jasper Carrott
Sad Times
Borders, the well known bookstore, is going into liquidation and, as so all the stores are closing. I just popped into the one here in Brighton (currently in the Apple Store) and was shocked. It was packed with people - I’ve never seen a bookshop so busy.
This saddens me. Seriously, I could cry. I didn’t even know I felt this strongly about it all! But people are now in there like...
Don't Disturb The Past
“How can you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?” - Rent
Back in the days of caves and mammoth steaks, I’m pretty sure that the past was easy to escape from. Thwock your enemy on the head with a big stone and that’s them gone. Then we evolved and invented doors and suddenly the past could knock on them and come back, ready to mess with...
“Twilight: the story of what happens when Mary Sue meets Gary Stu.”
“God bless the great indoors.”
– Frank Turner
FormSpring me! Ask me anything! →
“Change the world or go home.”
– A bottle of wine
Sarah Misses The Point ... Again
Claire: Me and Faye are having a New Year's party and you all have to come.
Sarah: Oh right, when's that then?
Discussing Douglas Adams
Me: Did you know there's an authorised sequel to the Hitchhiker series?
Tori: Oh my God!
Me: Yeah. Not by Douglas Adams obviously, he's mostly dead.
Tori: Wait, "mostly" dead?
Me: It's Douglas Adams, I wouldn't put anything past him.
Tori: True...
“…Think im going to go die now - of alcohol poisoning or shame, whichever...”
– Claire, after another night out
“In every library there is a book that kills.”
– Paul West
“Claire’s hooked up with so many rugby players now that you can form a team...”
– Ah, Claire. We love our Claire.
“She lives in [her own] world where everything is a hundred times more...”
– Ellie, summing up the nature of one of our friends
Sum
In the afterlife you relive all your experiences, but this time with the events reshuffled into a new order: all the moments that share a quality are grouped together.
You spend two months driving the street in front of your house, seven months having sex. You sleep for thirty years without opening your eyes. For five months straight you flip through magazines while sitting on a toilet.
You take...
Santa Claus (Omegle)
You: ho ho ho!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: asl plz
You: 680/male/north pole
Stranger: 680?
Stranger: oh my.......
You: have you been good this year?
Stranger: just
Stranger: why?
You: Santa has a right to Internet access too, you know
Stranger: its a lie
You have disconnected.
Oliver Twist (Omegle)
Stranger: hi!
You: Anyone there?
Stranger: here!
You: Please sir, I need your help.
Stranger: of course. anything
You: Please sir, I have fallen out of my novel.
You: My name is Oliver, sir, Oliver Twist.
Stranger: OH DEAR LORD! I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS
Stranger: i usually just use vagisil and all my problems are solved!
Stranger: ASL?!?!
You: 10/m/london
You: Please sir, I need to get back in
You: Do you know of my novel?
Stranger: YES!
Stranger: of course
You: I need you to get me what they call a telephone number
You: For the Literatec agents. I'm told they'll get me back in.
Stranger: what you have to do is take 5 MM anal beads. shove them all up your bum. take the lift to the 5th floor. tie the end of the beads to a Moroccan esque table, and jump off!
You: Are you sure that will work?
Stranger: 100%....does the trick every time
You: Thank you, sir.
Stranger: anytime!!
You: I'll get you an extra bowl of gruel once I'm back in the workhouse.
You have disconnected.
Jay Gatsby (Omegle)
You: HELP!
Stranger: so
Stranger: ?
You: I FELL OUT OF MY NOVEL!
Stranger: That sucks
Stranger: Lets see waht we can do
Stranger: to get you back in there
You: My name is Jay Gatsby, I need to get back in
Stranger: Jay Gatsby
Stranger: of
Stranger: the Great Gatsby?
You: i believe that's what they call the novel out here, yes
Stranger: Okayu
Stranger: So
Stranger: has this happened before?
Stranger: Or is this the first time
You: i've heard rumour, but never to me
You: Mr Darcy fell out of Pride & Prejudice and never got back in
You: they call him Colin Firth now
Stranger: Okay
Stranger: so do they have any protocols
Stranger: for this type of event?
You: you need to get me details for a Literatec agent
You: im told they're a specialised department of your police force that has access to fiction
Stranger: They aren't open
Stranger: currently
Stranger: Sorry
You: I need to go and find Daisy...
You have disconnected.
“Everyone dies the way they live.”
“I bet you used to feel a bit gutted when you ended up with the ‘loves me...”
– Ellie, in words of wisdom on her blog
“Hello, I’m Michael Ritchie, your friendly neighbourhood pervert.”
– Me
“Guys, without meaning to be insensitive, we need a back-up plan for Saturday.”
– Claire, on finding out that Sammy is ill and might cancel her party
“I hate New Year’s. I hate everyone going, “Ooh, new start! New...”
– Me, explaining my distaste for New Year celebrations.
Always something there to remind me...
I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me, and every step I take reminds me of just how we used to be. Well, how can I forget you, girl? When there is always something there to remind me. always something there to remind me. As shadows fall, I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night. And I can’t help recalling how it how it felt to kiss and hold you tight Well, how...
“We were the last good generation. The ones who got the Internet when and only...”
– Me, explaining to Stacey what makes Generation Y so great
