Fell From Fiction

I woke the other morning from a nightmare
In which I swore on my own life I’d never lie
But I knew before I’d folded up my nightwear
That if I took on such an oath I’d surely die
I don’t believe I’m more than averagely mendacious
It’s just the truth exists in several shades of grey
If I wish to remain popular and gracious there must be
A gulf twixt what I mean and what I say
You see…

I say I’m doing this when I’m really doing that
I leave home every morning in my suit and bowler hat
When in fact my morning meeting’s with my homeboys at the track
‘Cause it’s three years this November since the day I got the sack

I did a course in wine tasting
(I swallow, never spit)
I read National Geographic
(Look at tribal women’s bits)
I check e-mails
(Online poker)
Fresh air?
(A crafty fag)
And the lav is just a bolthole where I read the daily rag

I’ve had a colostomy bag for years. My wife has no idea.

I say I’m doing that when I’m really doing this
My evening class in French was simply cover for a tryst
I smoke herbal cigarettes
(A crack pipe)
And I never miss a chance to walk the dog
Well, I’m sure you get the gist
The gym is euphemistic
Client meetings? Never that
If I say I’m doing yoga, I’ll be standing at the back
If I say I’m in the attic putting lagging round the tank
I’m merely shinning up the ladder for a surreptitious wank!

I don’t want to know your race. I don’t want to know your gender, if I can help it. I don’t care to know your sexual orientation. I don’t want to know if you worship any gods.

I want to know your favourite film. The book that always brings you to tears. The friend you are secretly in love with. The one beautiful thing you would destroy if forced. The last thing you stole. The smell that reminds you of school. The last dream you had. The word that scares you. The thing you most like to see in museums. How you react to a Van Gogh painting. The food that reminds you of home. The shampoo you use. How you’d feel if I phoned you at 3am. Who you’d die to save. The length of time you spend in the bath. Your darkest fears and your deepest dreams.

For it is the little things that make us magical.

Number #98:

No matter what you comment on, someone will eventually accuse you of being a racist.

I had to go out, so let’s carry on from where I left off.

You see, assuming Jack loses his immortality (which he would since Rose never reanimated him after never looking into the heart of the TARDIS, etc, etc), and if Jack’s hint that he was the Face of Boe rings true, then the Face of Boe is ripped from existence as well.

He no longer appears on the BadWolfTV channel on Satellite 5 (BadWolfTV not existing anyway since it was a name that Rose spread throughout history, which she hasn’t done in this timeline). He no longer turns up to witness the end of the world. He is no longer an answer for Rose to get right on The Weakest Link, not that that ever happened anyway because the GameStation never came into existence (if we’re going by the “no-Adam-equals-no-Satellite-5” theory).

But more than that even! The Face of Boe would never have called the Doctor to the hospital on New Earth, so he would never have saved the test subjects and Cassandra, having no Rose to transplant herself into, would’ve died naturally or found another way to carry on.

The Face of Boe’s final message to the Doctor would also never have been given, so if they had still arrived at the end of the universe, would the Doctor have worked out who Yana was?

And moreso, would Jack and the Doctor have ever met? There’s nothing to presume that the Doctor didn’t still go to 1941 and have the incident with the empty child, which means he may still have met Jack. But they never return to Satellite 5, which means Jack doesn’t die, and he continues travelling with them.

We can then wipe out the entire of the spin-off series Torchwood, or at least rewrite it, because Jack was never there. He was never trapped on Earth because he was still travelling with the Doctor.

But, obviously, since we’re now dealing with a timeline that we’ve never seen, there’s no way to predict what actually did happen to Jack. But if he was still on board, would Mickey have joined them for his few trips?

My brain is hurting now, but suffice to say that a lot of it all never actually happened. Look at season three even … anything set in Martha’s present day never happened simply because they reset the whole year. So even Saxon never came to power, thus contradicting my earlier post about Harriet Jones’s early retirement leaving a gap open for Saxon. Who ended up filling that gap? Or did Saxon get to power before the point the timeline was reset to?

Wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey.

The Ninth Doctor took Rose to the year 2012 to see a museum of alien artefacts in the episode Dalek. During that episode, all of the people of the time are unaware of what the Dalek is. Oh sure, they’ve all met it now, but they’re calling it the Metaltron or something. By the end of the episode, its true name is known, but only to a handful of people.

So then, roll on a few years and we’ve got Journey’s End. Set a few years before 2012, the Daleks steal the Earth. By this point, there’s no denying it. Everyone has heard of Daleks, one even spares the life of Adelaide Brooke because she’s so important to the future.

Right, then the Earth gets restored to its proper place and life continues. But it isn’t the same life. This is a world in which everyone (except Donna) knows who and what the Daleks are. Therefore, when Rose and Nine land in the desert and meet the last Dalek … well … van Statten would’ve known exactly what it was. Knowing their power, it is likely that he would’ve destroyed it somehow.

It would never have called out to the TARDIS, and Nine and Rose would never have visited. Following on, Adam never came with them. Therefore, they probably never went to Satellite 5, or if they did, he wasn’t present and didn’t make a mess. But assume they didn’t go at all?

If they hadn’t gone, Nine would never have discovered the secret and shut it down. Then it would never have been turned into the GameStation and the Daleks would never have taken command of it to invade Earth.

Rose would never have seen the heart of the TARDIS, any mention of Bad Wolf is erased from history (including the channel, Gwenyth’s prediction, all the graffiti) and Jack would never have become immortal. This may even wipe the Face of Boe from history.

Wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey.

Basically, it was the Doctor’s fault. Isn’t it always?

In World War Three, way back when Nine was still rocking around in his leather jacket, he noted to Rose that Harriet Jones was elected Prime Minister for three successive terms.

Then, in The Christmas Invasion, with Ten taking control, he brings about Harriet’s downfall with the six simple words, “Don’t you think she looks tired?” Basically, he altered history meaning that Harriet didn’t have the three terms she previously was going to have had in the original timeline.

Wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey.

Due to this change in the timeline, it added a gap where Harriet should’ve been Prime Minister but wasn’t.

This gap was exploited by the Master, who took the name of Harold Saxon and was elected to Prime Minister, thus filling the hole and restoring a timeline.

The more you know.