I can’t decide whether to read all the Harry Potter books again, or just watch the films and read the seventh. Help?
Almost every other thought I have is about death. If I have met you, I have...– Me
Maybe the real God uses tricks. Maybe he’s not omnipotent, he’s just...– Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
There are two types of people in the world. Those who divide the world into two...– Jeremy Bentham
Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She’s a … she’s just a...– Eddie Izzard
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed...– Eddie Izzard
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true,...– Eddie Izzard
I have no idea what you’re talking about– The first full sentence ever recorded in history
If there was a God, don’t you think he would’ve flicked...– Eddie Izzard
So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re...– Eddie Izzard
Opera is rich people watching fat people being shaken by small people.– Eddie Izzard
The myth of four o’clock in the morning…
Lady Gaga is the slickest product a very well oiled machine.– Davie
Clothes are just clothes to me … as long as no one can see my balls...– Me
“Live each day as if it’s your last”, that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn’t practical. Better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion and your electric...
Sometimes your knight in shining armour is just a retard in tin foil.
The reason I drink
Karen: You make me smile.
Me: You make me drunk.
Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings, about fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings.
Let's begin at the beginning...
Any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it,...– Douglas Adams
You can’t stay friends with an ex. You broke up for a reason - why prolong...– Me
It’s summer. And it’s not just summer, it’s a World Cup...– Me
Emma finds Dexter's tattoo
Emma: What's this?
Dexter: My tattoo. From India. It's faded a bit. It's a yin-and-yang.
Emma: Looks like a road sign.
Dexter: It means the perfect union of opposites.
Emma: It means "end of national speed limit".
Don’t think I’m cut out for mind-bending chemicals. I left the lid...– Emma Morley, One Day
Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up.
If you think growing up is tough, then you’re just not grown up enough.
Mac vs. PC (Alternate Interpretation)
Mitchell and Webb are a logical choice for the adverts in one sense (everyone likes them), but a curious choice in another, since they are best known for the television series Peep Show, in which Mitchell plays a repressed, neurotic underdog, and Webb plays a selfish, self-regarding poseur. So when you see the ads, you think, “PCs are a bit rubbish yet ultimately lovable, whereas Macs are...
Pam Ayres: My dad was a boxer.
Stephen Fry: Was he really? Mine was an Irish Setter.
Stephen Fry: What is the opposite of a flying fish?
Sean Lock: A tunnelling flamingo.
Give him my flower? That went long ago, I can pass along some stems or...– Karen
Jake: What are you watching?
Pete: It's Michael McIntyre.
Jake: Why is the sound off?
Pete: It's Michael McIntyre.
Dad: What time are you working today?
Me: Twelve thirty.
Dad: That's an odd time to start work.
Me: I always start at twelve thirty on a Wednesday...
Dad: What an extremely ordinary time to start work.
[Billie Piper] is extremely good-looking in a most peculiar way: her eyes, mouth...– Charlie Brooker
I love you.
Australia Potter: The Right Brain vs. Left Brain... →
frnfsl: personal-space-invader: Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise? If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa. Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it. Left brain… wtf I can’t even try to see it go counter-clockwise. I can see it go...
Guys regret the girls they don’t sleep with. Girls regret the guys they do...– Stella, How I Met Your Mother
I think the worst thing about being Prime Minister would be washing yourself in...– Davie
If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right...– Charlie Brooker
I want friends like the guys in How I Met Your Mother. That’s how I want...